Dear Carolyn: My mother has become very good at obtaining information and causing problems with people through social networks. She has found what husband she would cheat. She discovered what teenage son or daughter uses drugs or has homosexual tendencies, opening accounts and going on as a teenager, slut, housewife, successful business owner and even a teenager who started rumors about a child's sexuality. She became a fan of male baseball to become good friends (in social networks) with my brother's best friend to discover if they were only friends or in a sexual relationship. She has asked some of her friends to call my husband to flirt with him and see if he is faithful.
We had a discussion about their participation in people's lives. And she said: "Please, do not start trying to be more moral or kind than everyone else." Then he said: "You would not want someone to start a rumor about your child using drugs or having serious psychological problems." My son is in college and uses social networks.
I tried to warn some friends and family about this, but everyone dismisses it or says it's their fault for allowing someone to influence them on social networks. I am worried that she has already made friends with my son's friends online. Should I take it lightly?
– Spy or Just Evil
Spy or Just Evil: Your mother is a terribly terrible person.
I am sure there are ways in which I can cover this opinion or present it to you with kindness, but on your own, your mother remains naked and unapologetic in her badness, so the only thing that feels appropriate is to declare it in kind.
As your daughter, your position here is complicated at best. Depending on when you did it this way and how it affected you, therapy could be useful or essential.
But there is no place to take anything lightly. Your main choice is whether, with certainty in the hand (I suppose) of your mother's illness, you have something to do with her never again.
Isolation is the just desert of anyone who is pleased to cause pain.
If your prowess represents a recent and unusual turn for the unpleasant, then you can engage in this as a conversation about the deterioration of your mental health and the ways in which you can get the help you need.
But if your position has always been that everyone is hateful, ruthless and, therefore, anyone who tries to be moral or kind is a poseur worthy of their contempt, then you, all of you, are late in attributing consequences. to his little pastime of Ruining lives for sport. Ring the klaxon to warn all the world over it, then get out of your sinking ship. Let your rumors fall into a vacuum.
Dear Carolyn: A few years ago, my husband and I met a couple at a local festival. Usually, we see them a couple of times each month for dinner outings. For the past four months, every time we see them, the wife mentions her next milestone and her wedding anniversary. She wants to celebrate both with a river cruise in Europe, but they will only travel if we also commit ourselves to go with them. We would have to pay our share.
She has become increasingly insistent and talks about it without stopping. We do not want to travel with them and we feel that they should celebrate these next milestones by themselves. We have tried to deviate politely and indirectly to her each time, but we are lost. How do you suggest we make her realize this?
– Tired of diverting
Tired of deviating: All those who have just read this now are also tired of deviating.
For the love of schnitzel, please, just say no. Decline directly. No courtesy as generous as a direct response: "Thank you for the invitation, but we are going to transmit the trip to Europe." Ahhh "We know how much this means to you," obviously, "so we'd love to celebrate with you in another way."
With that out of my chest, we can take a moment to analyze, "We … Do you feel that you should celebrate these next milestones for yourself? If you do not want to travel with them, then that is your prerogative so complete that I can not understand why. what did not just say no, but how they "Should" celebrate is not so completely his prerogative that I simply fell into italics, quotes in the form of affirmation AND capital letters, all in one sentence to convey my exasperation.
Reject the invitation, it's fine, but not judge that.
The fact that they do not go if they will not go is not their fault if they stay at home. It was their decision to make this conditional trip, so they would be responsible for not going.
For the future, an introduction to functional friendships: what they do is their business. What you do is your business. Draw a mental line in the middle, then stay on your side of the line.
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